There are times in life when disappointment is inevitable. How so?
When someone you expect a lot from, love and care about, is sort of, visually, in your perspective of things, embarrassed of you, when you know that as you two were talking to each other a look of hatred passed their face, a look that you could not ignore, a look that actually made you ask, do they hate me? Are they embarrassed of me? Is a friendship which is making someone feel humiliated by just being in a conversation with you around people even a friendship? Is being seen walking around the premises of a certain educational institution with a certain someone (me), make this person feel so disgusted?
So many question run through your mind, all of a sudden, when that look crosses someones face. Someone who had recently become so important. It bewilders you and troubles you till days.
At some point you think maybe you were mistaken, it is unbelievable to have imagined something you would never expect of that person, thus you start believing, it was there.
‘I saw it, I’m not blind, I saw that humiliation on your face, even if you suppressed it, I know it was there, you don’t text me from behind a screen a week later saying it never crossed your mind, we both know it did.’
I know I’m not cool enough for your high-end friend group. Of course you have a repute, of course you are perfect, or is it that you believe to be. But, Hey! You tried to break the ice, I was OK with that ice all in one big glacier blocking our paths, you broke it. And now if u regret breaking it, don’t hate me, “hate yourself”.
And don’t text me saying a terrible, lifeless, meaningless, elaborate worded sorry, just because you feel guilty. Everyone has a hint of what they feel. We believe that people don’t usually know what they feel but ‘they do’, they all do. Each one of them is conscious enough to know whats on their mind.
I don’t mind that you don’t like me, or my company; that you prefer sitting behind the screen, in a far corner of the city when you text me and talk to me as if we are the best of friends. I don’t have a problem with you being embarrassed of being seen with me but at least have the guts to say it.
I could never imagine myself getting attached to someone so quickly in a matter of months, and then breaking it in a twitch of an eye. And worst is that I have nothing other than this to fill my mind and my day and my blog, with what I feel because of that one person my entire brain is hammered. I am incapable of taking a peaceful nap. Attachments are lethal, They are fatal.
You don’t use my ’10 year imagination’ comment, to emotional blackmail me. And you definitely do not call my side of friendship fake. Yes! I have mood swings, Yes! I zone out, Yes! I’m not that attentive, but none of that means I’m fake.
I spent the last entire week in complete depression to end up with a sorry text, which says, Hey! I’m sorry. But I don’t know the reason to be sorry, I don’t know how I hurt you, but if i did I’m sorry. Dude you cannot be sorry of something you feel, and you need to express it rather than let the other figure it out by the way you looked at them for one microsecond.
You say you are hurt, you were being ignored, you were the victim, Yes Sir. I’m the villain, I’m the villain of every story, I’m too real, and villains are real, reality is every ones villain, just like its mine. Its yours too.
Friendship in our world is not for the fair villains, its for the kewl heroes, you find people you look good with, and you sit with them and showoff your great creative, ‘better than thou’ personalities. That is how it works, a person genuinely getting attached to you is useless. Because they are embarrassment for your kind of persona. and you live your college life as a bunch of American high school jerks they show in movies.
If from what I wrote so far, you think I’m jealous, Yes! I am. I’m jealous; I’m burning; I rarely get attached to people, and when I do, I burn; I burn my heart and soul thinking why I wasn’t enough, just enough to let a friendship be a friendship for long enough to actually have potential memories; At least having memories wouldn’t make the distance feel as much as it does. At least I’ll have something to remember, something to laugh about, something to think about rather than ask WHY ME?